Listening to Build Bridges, Across the Aisle and Across the Table
Radical listening and vulnerability is a tactic for building bridges of understanding that will allow you and your listening partner to feel truly heard, and in turn will forge deeper bonds.
Hello Talking About Money Community, how are you? Come on; let me know how you really feel. J
Today I want to discuss listening. Long-time readers of this blog might remember another post on listening called The Utter Importance of Listening. In this post I detail the Five Levels of Listening and challenge you to work your way up the levels.
How are you doing in your listening practice?
In this post I want to pan out to consider why this is an important element of your practice, both as a financial capability and asset building practitioner, but also in its role for you as a human being. Let’s get started…
Why Should You Care About Listening?
When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.
— Dalai Lama
I feel that we are at a point in our current history when we are continuously working on accurately describing what we believe in. You might post on social media, signaling to your allies what you stand for (and maybe you unfriend everyone else). You talk to your friends and neighbors, “listening” politely until the other pauses and you can interject your next great idea. Heck, I do this too: I write this blog to share my ideas with you! (And thanks for reading, by the way.)
But listening – really listening – can bring us closer to one another than simply trading thoughts can. Can you remember a time when you felt truly heard, that the person listening to you wasn’t simply waiting for you to stop talking, but that person helped you dive deeper and develop a greater sense of clarity in your thoughts? Maybe that person was a therapist, counselor, or coach (there is professional training for this type of listening, after all), but it might have been a co-worker or a friend.
That type of deep listening helps to establish a bond (a “bridge,” if you will) that will help you work through future conflict if it might arise. And in today’s fractured society, the more bridges you build, the more resilient you will be come to the inevitable emotional messiness that you will encounter.
Who Should You Listen To?
I consume a lot of news. And quite honestly, I like to get my news from outlets that I know that I am going to agree with. I think that a lot of people feel that way, and that is why so many silos of information have been constructed in the past decades. But what happens when I only listen to “my” news and you only listen to “your” news? Then we have a much harder time listening to each other.
Case in point: For those who consider themselves a part of the Democratic Party, this is a strained moment, as there appears to be disparate values and goals co-existing under the same tent. Progressives believe that moderates want to ineffectively nibbling around the edges of humanity’s most pressing crises. Moderates don’t agree with progressives’ strategy of “blow it all up and start from scratch,” believing that will hurt people in the short-run. And I would hazard a guess that similar divisions might be emerging in the Republican Party as well. Listening to build bridges would help within and across today’s political parties.
What about listening in your professional life? In a position where you are deemed the Expert, it might take some self-control to slow down and listen to what another person has to say. You may feel the urge to explain to your boss how you think your program should run, citing your years of experience to back you up. You may feel the knee-jerk reaction of giving your client advice when they tell you their financial problem. You might believe that if you expound on your vast knowledge and state your position clearly then your client to see the light. But consider this: how often does this work on the first try?
If you have been working in the field of financial capability and asset building for a while, you know that many workshops start with laying the foundation (or “building a bridge”?) between individual values and financial goals. If you want to brush up on this topic, take a quick read of these posts:
What Are Your True Values? Take the Quiz!
6 Steps to Successfully Living Off Your Paycheck
The Only New Year's Resolution Your Finances Will Need
Deeply listening to your client’s explanation of their “why” (individual values) as connected to their “what” (financial goals) will help you experience greater success.
How Should You Listen?
What are some ways to cultivate your listening muscle so that you can cut through the noise and begin to truly hear what others are saying?
I recently came across the work of Resistance School and their courses on community organizing. One such course, Listening Partnerships and Deep Canvassing, features staff from the Boston-based nonprofit Youth on Board. Please check them out. This nonprofit does some great work around youth organizing, and the two staff members featured in the video series, Carlos and Esteniolla, break down their process into small and actionable steps that you can take to improve your listening skills. They also explain the following concepts:
Principles of Action & Support – this provides the common understanding that drives their work
All people are good and born fully loving, intelligent, and connected
All people get hurt by others and oppressions like classism, racism, adultism and sexism
All people can heal and regain their full ability to connect, love, and take on any challenge
Radical Listening and Vulnerability – this is the methodology they use as they train young people working in the community (if a young person can master these skills, what about you?)
Look like you care about or like the person
Remember the goodness of the person
Listen warmly
Maintain confidentiality
Affirm, Bridge, And Connect (ABC) – this is the way Youth on Board conduct their canvassing when they door-knock in the community. I love the simplicity of it and how it affirms each speaker’s lived experience
Affirm something the person says
Bridge to your own thinking with “and” or “the way I see it”
Connect by telling your personal story (or other clients’ stories)
What Youth on Board has figured out is that “meaningful and mutual listening allows us to heal so that we can connect, build relationships and make change in the world.” This sounds like some powerful learning to me, and one that can be applied to the work of financial capability and asset building as well.
