Jun 11

Jun 11 The Utter Importance of Listening

Financial Coaching, Professional Issues, The Big Picture

"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say." -- Bryant H. McGill

Hello Talking About Money Community, how are you?

Today I want to talk about listening.

I don’t know about you, but for days my email inbox has been full. Leaders that I admire are responding to recent events protesting the systemic racism that has existed in the United States for hundreds of years. Upon reading message after message I thought to myself, “Self, since I have this tiny piece of internet real estate, I need to make a statement too.”

But then I decided not to use this tiny piece of internet real estate to make a statement. Honestly, you don’t need to read such a statement from me. There are a lot already out there, and I will leave it to those wise sages to share their wisdom with you.

Instead what I want to talk about in this post is listening, specifically for you as a financial capability professional, but more in general for you as a human. And as you read this blog post I want you to consider this quote:

"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say." -- Bryant H. McGill

When I first read this quote I slowed down to absorb it. As a financial counselor, educator, and consultant, many times I am put in professional situations where I feel like I have to say something. That others have paid me to stand in a room and share my broad knowledge on financial capability, household money management, or program design. That I need to talk to prove my worth.

Do you ever feel the same way about your work?

But if I put those (faulty?) expectations to the side, I can make space for others to share their wisdom with me. And not just technical information. If I listen hard enough, maybe I can learn how they look at the world based on their lived experience. And maybe I can learn and grow from the exchange, making me a better financial counselor, educator, and consultant in the future.

Have you ever considered “shut up and listen” as a part of your professional practice?

My training as a Financial Fitness Coach® with AFCPE and Sage Financial Solutions taught me how to slow down and listen. It was a tough lesson, but one of the most important in my professional training. And while the act of listening was introduced in the context of providing high-quality financial coaching directly to clients, I find that I utilize this skill in all sorts of scenarios, both professional and personal.

So let’s talk about listening, specifically the Five Levels of Listening developed by Stephen Covey in his classic book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Level 1: Ignoring

Is this even listening? Ignoring is when you are supposedly in dialogue with someone, but you are not listening to them whatsoever. Maybe you are thinking about your to-do list, or letting yourself get sucked into the black vortex of your smartphone. This is not listening.

Level 2: Pretending

This level of listening occurs when your body and body language make it look like you are listening (smiling and nodding, etc.) but the message is not making it all the way to your brain. You tend to be caught in the act of pretending when your speaking partner asks you a clarifying question and you have no response. (This tends to happen to me when my son explains to me in exquisite detail the current cartoon series that he is watching. Lots of smiling and nodding by Mom, not much listening going on.)

Level 3: Selective

With selective listening you are hearing some of the messages from your speaking partner, but not all of them. You might hone in on the parts of the message that you agree with, exhibiting confirmation bias. You might even jump in to finish your partner’s sentences, cementing the fact that you two agree. Or you might only hear the parts of the message that you vehemently disagree with, decide that this other person represents the enemy camp, and deflect any content that might sway you from your position.

Level 4: Attentive

With attentive listening you are truly paying attention. You are listening to the message and the themes. You are also showing your partner that you are paying attention with the appropriate “I’m listening” body language. Maybe you lean in, nod with approval, or say “aha” at the right time. While you are hearing the themes your speaking partner is conveying, you are fitting them into your world view so that they make sense to you. While doing this you might also be rehearsing what you are going to say next so that you can convey your understanding based on your own lived experience.

Level 5: Empathetic

This is the level of listening to aspire to. With empathetic listening, you are listening to your partner’s message not according to your frame of reference, but instead with intent to better understand their frame of reference. You are paying attention not only to their words but also to their body language. You are trying to read between the lines to better understand where they are coming from. And your contribution to the conversation is not to share your lived experience, but rather to ask clarifying questions to better understand theirs.

I am sure that you can review this list and remember times when you have been on the receiving end of ignoring, pretending, selective, attentive, or empathetic listening. How did the first four levels of listening feel to you when you were the speaker? Did you feel dismissed, discounted, or misunderstood? Did you think that you were creating a bridge to understanding, only to have it fall away under your feet? It’s a lonely feeling, one that might keep you from extending yourself to someone new in the future.

Now try to conjure up a time when your listener was there with an empathetic posture. Maybe they did not have a similar lived experience to you. But at the same time they exhibited a curiosity that led you to believe that they wanted to learn more, that they wanted to get it, even if they didn’t initially get it. How did that type of conversation feel for you? Did you feel heard? Did you feel like you created a bond with an unlikely ally? Did it surprise you?

As a financial capability professional you have opportunities to practice listening with empathy. You can create opportunities for others to feel heard in an authentic way. And you can make space for others to live more fully into themselves.